Behind every closed door is a window waiting to be opened. I really see this as being true but I also can say from personal experience that sometimes when doors slam shut we can be left feeling hopeless, discouraged, and locked out forever. This is how I felt a couple days last week. I hesitate to put these feelings into words and post them because the feeling are still raw and the wound, still fresh. But I have decided that if my blog is going to be “real” and a true representation of me, it has to include those things I feel happy about as well as my life’s letdowns. So here goes…
Ever since I decided that I would make the Air Force a 20 year career, I had certain visions of what those 20 years would entail. When you’re in the Air Force, it does no good to be too much of a planner because let’s face it, when it comes down to it, what is more important is “what is in the best interest of the Air Force.” However, something that most of us will probably agree on for any profession is that if you do your best at your job and show dedication and commitment, chances are you will be effective and over time this effectiveness will be recognized.
The years have flown by and sometimes I have to stop and really ask myself “Can I actually be approaching the big 4-0?” This September I hit 15 years in the Air Force as a dietitian and the time for my promotion board to Lieutenant Colonel. When I think back to my days as a butter bar Second Lieutenant, silver bar First Lieutenant, railroad track Captain, and now bronze oak leaf Major, I realize that I have come a long way with the support of many family, friends, and co-workers. My next goal was to be a Lieutenant Colonel and it’s by no means my intent to sound arrogant, but I felt I had a pretty great chance of reaching that goal. Then “SLAP”- life happened and reminded me once again that I am not in control.
My selection board was this last June. Matters as important as this are not handled quickly in the Air Force. In fact, they seem to take an eternity! The results were released last week which had me waiting over four months and as you probably could already guess, my name was not on the Lieutenant Colonel list. It had been on the forefront of my mind that each rank is more difficult and competitive to reach and in today’s force where cut-backs of all sorts are a main focus, there was a chance I wouldn’t make the cut. Believe me, this was on my mind but regardless, the news was a big shock and to me and seemed so unfair. My dream slipped away just like sand through my fingers.
I have to say in response to what is most peoples’ attempt to make light out of the situation, that there is most likely not going to be a “next time.” If the truth is told, my chance of being selected next time for Lieutenant Colonel is 1%. Literally. Not impossible but as close as it gets. My point in writing this is not to defend myself in an argument as to why I was not wrongfully selected but to hopefully give a little encouragement to others who at some point in their lives have or will experience rejection that leaves them feeling “not good enough.”
Unfortunately, we live in a society where others seem to dictate our self-worth. The media, our higher ups, even our friends seem to determine for us how we feel about ourselves. And often times, it’s a cruel world in that these groups leave us feeling more torn down than built up. Self confidence is a powerful thing and can determine the course of our lives. As the saying goes, “Our thoughts dictate our feelings and our feelings determine our actions.” Or something like that. It’s true.
After a day or so of letting the news sink in, feeling terribly rejected, somewhat embarrassed, and not at all taken care of by an Air Force I believed I had put my heart into my entire career, I came to a conclusion. I could either feel sorry for myself and reminded every day I was unchosen or I could move on. I have chosen to do the latter. I decided that my rank, any rank, does not define me. Not being promoted does not take away my God given talents or my desire to do right and take care of the Airmen under me or my ability to make a difference in peoples’ lives in positive ways. Essentially, I am unchanged.
I have always found it to be perplexing how some people seem to be more fortunate and have the luck of the draw compared to others. Are these people more “worthy” or “blessed?” Not according to the Bible which says that God loves us all the same- the homeless man on the street to the rich man in a mansion- we are all equal in value in His eyes. So at this time in my life, a time which really is a milestone of its own, I am choosing to listen to the inner voice which is quiet but powerful and saying “You are exactly who you are meant to be. You may never get another promotion. You may never fit in a smaller size jeans. You may never have what it is you think you want that others have but you have exactly what you need. Not too little and not too much. Just enough.”
I can only imagine what it would be like to live a life where this confidence served as a compass that allowed no deviation from the straight and narrow path that is followed when you always recognize where your value comes from- God. There is still a small place in my heart that is tender when I think of the goal unmet, the rank unattained, but there is a bigger spot that is filled with the satisfaction of feeling content that this fact is perfectly ok. I am me.
“Don’t wait for someone to tell you are awesome. Feel it in your heart. Then… thank God for making you this way” – Risa Riepma
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