I prayed for you, a quiet prayer
that God would find your way to me
From the day I learned of your existence,
you brought something different to my days
Not a difficult child, not hard to please
yet you have been challenging in your own ways
When others said you would not or could not
you pursued with determination that never ceased
You surpassed every milestrone, in your own time
Your capabilities already known to those who loved you most
Your eyes so innocent and pure
your cheeks so soft and kissable
Resembling more a young boy now, you've grown up before my eyes
With a special presence about you that guarantees a smile
It's on this day, your special day
that I reflect on all you've brought to my life
Although miles separate us on this day and you cannot feel my touch
You haven't left my heart not for a brief moment
I look forward to days ahead together and many more celebrations
You will always be my baby boy and I, your blessed mother
In honor and celebration of my baby Ethan's 6th birthday on 12 March 2012.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Finding friendship in the most peculiar place
When it comes to friends, I haven't changed much in the last 30 years. I am not a girl who has countless friends. I am not a girl who needs to feel "most popular." And if I had it my way, I'd much rather hang out with a small group of close friends than a large room of people I really don't know. You can call me shy, a bit introverted, or quiet when it comes to making new friends but then you also can call me loyal, sensitive (sometimes overly), and a pleaser when it comes to how I feel about my lifelong friends.
Looking back, I see the difference...the different tone of voice a military member uses when describing a friend made during a deployment...the way one of these individuals unexpectedly runs into a deployment friend and it's like time stood still since they last spoke, both smiling from ear to ear. It's hard to explain until you've experienced "it". What I mean by "it" is the nervous feeling that fills you knowing you are in a foreign land, thousands of miles from all that is comforting, and the only person you have to depend on is you and only you. Then, someone comes along. Someone you weren't looking for but someone who just happened to cross your path and suddenly you can relate to this new friend and he or she can relate to you, almost as if you have always been friends.
You can attribute the friendships that develop during deployments to different things- living and working in close proiximity, sharing all your meals together, and just the sheer number of hours that you spend with your fellow deployed members. But if you ask me, the most influential factors that affect how friendships develop during a deployment, it is the sense of teamwork that pride that comes from doing work that is meaningful but emotionally not easy. It is because these friends understand what is most important to you, what you left behind, and they understand the fear of not returning to it. Lastly, they share a desire to not feel alone, alone in a dangerous place full of unfamiliar people. They want someone to walk by their side and someone to have their back.
I am 1/3 through my deployment and I can already say that I have made friends with people I know I will be in my life forever. Strangely enough, some of them live in San Antonio and have worked at Wilford Hall but I had come all the way to Afghanistan to meet them. Each of them are unique and have brightened my days in different ways.
Out of all the friends I have made, one stands out and her name is Denise. Major Carcamo and I met after we arrived at Bagram during the awkward stage when all of us were feeling out our new ready-made family. Right away I knew we'd be able to each other because she too, is a mom and has 4 kids, triplet girls and a son. It turns out she was just being nice when she first told me to let her know if I needed any help with the Wing Change of Command events that I had volunteered to organize but I took her up on her offer. And it was from that day forward that we have pretty much been inseparable here. We eat together, exercise together, laugh together and cry together, do laundry together, paint our toenails together, talk about our kids together, and make future plans for family get-togethers together. As she puts it, "it's like our friendship is on steroids." While we both count the days to return to our beloved families, we know that day will be bittersweet and mean that although our friendship will continue to grow, it will change and never be the same.
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." -- Flavia
Looking back, I see the difference...the different tone of voice a military member uses when describing a friend made during a deployment...the way one of these individuals unexpectedly runs into a deployment friend and it's like time stood still since they last spoke, both smiling from ear to ear. It's hard to explain until you've experienced "it". What I mean by "it" is the nervous feeling that fills you knowing you are in a foreign land, thousands of miles from all that is comforting, and the only person you have to depend on is you and only you. Then, someone comes along. Someone you weren't looking for but someone who just happened to cross your path and suddenly you can relate to this new friend and he or she can relate to you, almost as if you have always been friends.
You can attribute the friendships that develop during deployments to different things- living and working in close proiximity, sharing all your meals together, and just the sheer number of hours that you spend with your fellow deployed members. But if you ask me, the most influential factors that affect how friendships develop during a deployment, it is the sense of teamwork that pride that comes from doing work that is meaningful but emotionally not easy. It is because these friends understand what is most important to you, what you left behind, and they understand the fear of not returning to it. Lastly, they share a desire to not feel alone, alone in a dangerous place full of unfamiliar people. They want someone to walk by their side and someone to have their back.
I am 1/3 through my deployment and I can already say that I have made friends with people I know I will be in my life forever. Strangely enough, some of them live in San Antonio and have worked at Wilford Hall but I had come all the way to Afghanistan to meet them. Each of them are unique and have brightened my days in different ways.
Out of all the friends I have made, one stands out and her name is Denise. Major Carcamo and I met after we arrived at Bagram during the awkward stage when all of us were feeling out our new ready-made family. Right away I knew we'd be able to each other because she too, is a mom and has 4 kids, triplet girls and a son. It turns out she was just being nice when she first told me to let her know if I needed any help with the Wing Change of Command events that I had volunteered to organize but I took her up on her offer. And it was from that day forward that we have pretty much been inseparable here. We eat together, exercise together, laugh together and cry together, do laundry together, paint our toenails together, talk about our kids together, and make future plans for family get-togethers together. As she puts it, "it's like our friendship is on steroids." While we both count the days to return to our beloved families, we know that day will be bittersweet and mean that although our friendship will continue to grow, it will change and never be the same.
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." -- Flavia
Monday, February 20, 2012
Saying goodbye to the comfort zone
I realized early on that if I was going to survive the next sixth months, I was going to have to get used to living outside of my comfort zone. The reality of going of war hit me as a large group of us boarded a C-17 in the early morning hours on what was going to be the last leg of our journey to Bagram Air Field, Afghanistan. I had survived about 4 days living in the sub-zero temps in Manas (pronounce it Man-us or Mon-as, it makes no difference...an AF deployed member will know exactly where you are talking about) and I didn't care what was in store for me at Bagram as long as it included warmer temperatures.
The first 48 hours were focused on getting settled, learning the ropes of my new job, and developing an attached at the hip relationship with my newly issued M-9 revolver. I am being serious here. Article 15's are a given for anyone who loses "positive control of their weapon" which is to be worn anytime you step outside of the hospital. I couldn't help but laugh under my breath when remembering Bella's comment about me carrying a weapon out here. "Mommy, be careful not to shoot your toe off." She is as confident in my "warrior" skills as I am.
It was great to see a familiar face shortly after I arrived. MAJ Cole (Renee) was a colleague and fellow dietitian that I worked with in San Antonio. She had been in theater 11 months when I arrived and was getting ready to re-deploy. As the only other dietitian in Afghanistan, I was going to assume some of her duties as the Nutrition Consultant for U.S. Forces in Afghanistan.
One thing I told myself before I left the States was that I was not going to let anyone talk me into taking part in any craziness off base. I was perfectly fine having a boring 179 days if it meant that I was not putting myself in harm's way any more than I already was. By the time I made it to the fifth night, I had already experienced 3 "incoming" which are indirect rocket attacks the nationals or Taliban orchestrate from their villages just oustide base. This experience was enough to make me move from a "B-Hut" which is basically a one person wooden shack with de-attached restroom facilities to the dorm which was safer in my mind. The dorm and did not require sheltering in a bunker during "incoming" and had luxurious showers and toliet stalls just a few feet away.
Well, before I knew it (it was actually about 2 weeks after my arrival) I was on a Black Hawk helicopter with Renee departing for Kabul to provide some much needed nutrition consultation for the Afghan military hospital. This hospital had received bad press coverage back in the U.S. for malnutrition and inadequate feeding practices with their patients. Our taxpayer dollars were used to fund this hospital along with almost everything else in Afghanistan.
By this time, the difference in cultures had hit me like a wall of freezing air. Not only did I feel like I had the plague of being American but also a woman in a position of power with more knowledge on proper nutrition than all of their hospital personnel put together. There was a constant threat of danger. From having to be escorted by Force Protection infantrymen every time we left the compound to visit the hospital to waking up at 0500 in an outdoor tent by the loud voices of morning prayer by the villagers outside the wire. My initial thought was "what on earth am I doing here?" which was quickly followed by "I am here for a reason and I am traveling with the Armor of God." If anyone is going to harm me, they are going to have to get through Him first.
It turned out we had an amazing trip which opened my eyes even wider to the inequalities that exist in our world, many of which we as Americans are blind to or knowingly choose to overlook. I returned back to Bagram 5 days later (it was longer due to our transportation back being delayed by severe weather) feeling empowered and as if God had made the entire peculiar journey right by my side. Little did I know, it would be the first of many times in Afghanistan that I would feel this way.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" - Psalms 27:1
The first 48 hours were focused on getting settled, learning the ropes of my new job, and developing an attached at the hip relationship with my newly issued M-9 revolver. I am being serious here. Article 15's are a given for anyone who loses "positive control of their weapon" which is to be worn anytime you step outside of the hospital. I couldn't help but laugh under my breath when remembering Bella's comment about me carrying a weapon out here. "Mommy, be careful not to shoot your toe off." She is as confident in my "warrior" skills as I am.
It was great to see a familiar face shortly after I arrived. MAJ Cole (Renee) was a colleague and fellow dietitian that I worked with in San Antonio. She had been in theater 11 months when I arrived and was getting ready to re-deploy. As the only other dietitian in Afghanistan, I was going to assume some of her duties as the Nutrition Consultant for U.S. Forces in Afghanistan.
One thing I told myself before I left the States was that I was not going to let anyone talk me into taking part in any craziness off base. I was perfectly fine having a boring 179 days if it meant that I was not putting myself in harm's way any more than I already was. By the time I made it to the fifth night, I had already experienced 3 "incoming" which are indirect rocket attacks the nationals or Taliban orchestrate from their villages just oustide base. This experience was enough to make me move from a "B-Hut" which is basically a one person wooden shack with de-attached restroom facilities to the dorm which was safer in my mind. The dorm and did not require sheltering in a bunker during "incoming" and had luxurious showers and toliet stalls just a few feet away.
Well, before I knew it (it was actually about 2 weeks after my arrival) I was on a Black Hawk helicopter with Renee departing for Kabul to provide some much needed nutrition consultation for the Afghan military hospital. This hospital had received bad press coverage back in the U.S. for malnutrition and inadequate feeding practices with their patients. Our taxpayer dollars were used to fund this hospital along with almost everything else in Afghanistan.
By this time, the difference in cultures had hit me like a wall of freezing air. Not only did I feel like I had the plague of being American but also a woman in a position of power with more knowledge on proper nutrition than all of their hospital personnel put together. There was a constant threat of danger. From having to be escorted by Force Protection infantrymen every time we left the compound to visit the hospital to waking up at 0500 in an outdoor tent by the loud voices of morning prayer by the villagers outside the wire. My initial thought was "what on earth am I doing here?" which was quickly followed by "I am here for a reason and I am traveling with the Armor of God." If anyone is going to harm me, they are going to have to get through Him first.
It turned out we had an amazing trip which opened my eyes even wider to the inequalities that exist in our world, many of which we as Americans are blind to or knowingly choose to overlook. I returned back to Bagram 5 days later (it was longer due to our transportation back being delayed by severe weather) feeling empowered and as if God had made the entire peculiar journey right by my side. Little did I know, it would be the first of many times in Afghanistan that I would feel this way.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" - Psalms 27:1
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Back in the saddle and holding on for dear life
Well, here I am...62 days into my 179 day (or so) deployment. I had wonderful intentions to chronologically and systematically capture all the highlights in my blog because after all, that is how I tend to be- a perfectionist at heart. But as you can see, that has not happened. I can blame it on a number of factors, many of which have been out of my control, but the biggest reason is that I have had a challenging enough time making sense of my feelings and emotions in my head without putting them in writing.
Before I dive into the details, I feel it's important to point out (perhaps again, for those of you who go way back to the early days of my blog) why I am here in Afghanistan. The obvious reason is to serve my country and fulfill my military duty but the more obvious reason in my eyes is that I am answering a calling from God. This point has a definite place in my story. You see, up until about 3 years ago when God began whispering in my ear that he had business for me out here, I was deathly afraid of the "D" word, Deployments to me were translated to "fear", "heartache", "uncertainty", and "danger" in my world and these were emotions that I didn't want to touch with a 10 foot pole. The fact that I raised my hand to actually volunteer at this point in time was a big step in my journey of life as well as my husband Kurt's. I have always been grateful for his support of my military career. Putting my name in the hat meant that while I may still encounter "fear" in my life, I was no longer going to let it control me or stop me from doing what I felt was right or the will of God.
So here I am. How did I actually get to this place? Not geographically speaking but spiritually? I can't tell you for sure but I do know it wasn't a smooth but rocky road and it was definitely not by accident! I have so much to share on my journey thus far. I hope you will get in the saddle along side of me and get ready to hear all about it!
Those of you who know me well, know I like inspirational quotes. I am always looking for special meaning and how I can embrace it in my life. At this time I am really missing a lot back home...among the things, is my church and pastor, Max Lucado. He has a simple but powerful quote that I think can change all of us if we really let it and that is:
"Meet your fears with faith"
Before I dive into the details, I feel it's important to point out (perhaps again, for those of you who go way back to the early days of my blog) why I am here in Afghanistan. The obvious reason is to serve my country and fulfill my military duty but the more obvious reason in my eyes is that I am answering a calling from God. This point has a definite place in my story. You see, up until about 3 years ago when God began whispering in my ear that he had business for me out here, I was deathly afraid of the "D" word, Deployments to me were translated to "fear", "heartache", "uncertainty", and "danger" in my world and these were emotions that I didn't want to touch with a 10 foot pole. The fact that I raised my hand to actually volunteer at this point in time was a big step in my journey of life as well as my husband Kurt's. I have always been grateful for his support of my military career. Putting my name in the hat meant that while I may still encounter "fear" in my life, I was no longer going to let it control me or stop me from doing what I felt was right or the will of God.
So here I am. How did I actually get to this place? Not geographically speaking but spiritually? I can't tell you for sure but I do know it wasn't a smooth but rocky road and it was definitely not by accident! I have so much to share on my journey thus far. I hope you will get in the saddle along side of me and get ready to hear all about it!
Those of you who know me well, know I like inspirational quotes. I am always looking for special meaning and how I can embrace it in my life. At this time I am really missing a lot back home...among the things, is my church and pastor, Max Lucado. He has a simple but powerful quote that I think can change all of us if we really let it and that is:
"Meet your fears with faith"
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